It's much harder to keep a running log of my food intake on a Tuesday, then a Saturday. So I didn't even try. Suffice it to say that I had a pint of ice cream, a small slice of homemade cheesecake that needs more than a little work, 6-7 slices of deli salami, a tablespoon of Craisins that made my throat hurt, a super small bite of chocolate that wasn't very good, a shared bag of Food Should Taste Good olive tortilla chips, the single best sushi (all gluten-free, eel and bagel roll) I've ever eaten, and then a small amount of the normal everyday things I usually try to eat.
Aside from the sushi, the day was mostly uneventful. In fact, if it wasn't for my earlier lightbulb moments, I would have called today a wash in the food department. It's almost a sad day when sushi is your best cheat. It barely feels like a cheat at all. Back to normal tomorrow.
Oh, and this was the last cheat day of month one. There should technically have been four, but I was already reserving my last weekend cheat day for a Groundhogs Day feast. Gotta celebrate those cute little buggers!
Next Monday I'll post my official inch/pound loss for the month.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A derailment between two points.
Let's talk self-sabotage.
I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.
And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.
Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.
Mostly.
It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.
I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.
I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.
On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)
Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.
Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.
The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.
eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.
I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.
I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.
I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.
And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.
Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.
Mostly.
It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.
I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.
I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.
On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)
Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.
Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.
The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.
eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.
I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.
I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not yet.
I've been so sick. Cheat Day postponed until Monday or Tuesday when my body doesn't need to concentrate so much on healing itself.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Some things to note.
Yesterday for the first time in weeks, my body finally felt like it was changing. This is pivotal really, as I don't judge the scale on this sort of thing. It doesn't matter much to me what the scale says (although yes, I do get frustrated when it doesn't budge for months) or what the tape measure reads. What is important is how I feel and I haven't felt any difference in months.
Yesterday felt like a turning point. My clothes felt baggier and my body felt slimmer. It was a good feeling. This morning the scale reflected that feeling and I hit a number I haven't seen since October. It still doesn't really mean much quite yet. I won't be satisfied until I'm feeling great consistently, but for now this feels amazing.
The other thing I want to note is that this morning I had chest pains. Sometimes I get this when I haven't eaten. I think it's a reflux thing. Might be a kidney thing. I'm not exactly sure. The difference this morning though is that it came while I was eating. That has never happened before.
I hadn't yet taken my enzymes, so I decided not to take them. I took a break while I had that feeling in my sternum and once it subsided, I resumed eating slowly. The feeling came back. I took another break. Eventually I ate two of my three eggs, half of my black beans and all of the broccoli and cauliflower.
This afternoon I'm going to take it easy with food. I'm having a can of salmon with some black beans for a late lunch. I'll see how I feel after that. I'm not worried about it yet, but I wanted to type it all up here so I didn't forget. Also, I think I'm getting sick. It hurts to swallow. Otherwise things are good!
Yesterday felt like a turning point. My clothes felt baggier and my body felt slimmer. It was a good feeling. This morning the scale reflected that feeling and I hit a number I haven't seen since October. It still doesn't really mean much quite yet. I won't be satisfied until I'm feeling great consistently, but for now this feels amazing.
The other thing I want to note is that this morning I had chest pains. Sometimes I get this when I haven't eaten. I think it's a reflux thing. Might be a kidney thing. I'm not exactly sure. The difference this morning though is that it came while I was eating. That has never happened before.
I hadn't yet taken my enzymes, so I decided not to take them. I took a break while I had that feeling in my sternum and once it subsided, I resumed eating slowly. The feeling came back. I took another break. Eventually I ate two of my three eggs, half of my black beans and all of the broccoli and cauliflower.
This afternoon I'm going to take it easy with food. I'm having a can of salmon with some black beans for a late lunch. I'll see how I feel after that. I'm not worried about it yet, but I wanted to type it all up here so I didn't forget. Also, I think I'm getting sick. It hurts to swallow. Otherwise things are good!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Treat Day Saturday.
I've decided to make my cheat day's relatively clean. Okay, not clean clean, but cleaner. No gluten at least. No HFCS. No partially hydrogenated oils. No artificial colors or flavors. No frivolous dairy. These things notoriously make me sick and it takes days to recover from them. By the time I'm feeling 100% again, cheat day has come back around again. So, today is going to be calculated cheats in hopes of this next week being more tolerable than last week.
I've also hit that low phase where my energy is lacking and I generally just feel blah, as my body acclimates to the food I'm eating again. So I'm just trying to chug along and stay strict to my routine and wait for it to pass. And it will pass. Eventually. Silver-lining girl has been hard to summon this week. Some days I've had to just trust in the routine and ignore all else.
Today, I'm trying to enjoy the little things. Like seeing the look on my sweet girl's face as I sneak her a bite of my Häagen-Dazs.
8:30am
glass of grapefruit juice
9am
three eggs scrambled*
three gluten and dairy free pancakes
2pm
hamburger*
lentils with kerrygold
sauteed cauliflower and broccoli
olive tortilla chips (I bought these on a whim. The bag is smallish compared to regular chips and I liked that they were pretty clean. They are phenomenal!)
3pm
bowl of Häagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream
4:30pm
corned beef and cabbage*
bowl of ice cream (C'mon! How else will I finish the pint today?)
8:15pm
5 dates (I was impatient with my huge-ass sweet potato that took forever to cook. I went through the ingredients of all the Halloween candy and everything had things on my "no" list, so I opted for these instead.)
8:30pm
two burgers*
lentils with kerrygold
sweet potato with kerrygold
9:30pm
rest of the Häagen-Dazs
1am
cottage cheese with a tiny amount of coconut extract
1/2 of a small banana (I would have eaten the whole thing, but it wasn't that good.)
1/2 cup of a raisin and dry roasted peanut mix**
Yep. It's 1am. Yep—I'm still awake.
I could not eat. But hey, where's the fun in that?!
**Apparently there would have been a lot of fun in that. After three or four peanuts I came to see the peanuts have MSG in them and so I didn't eat anymore; I tried to substitute it with something—anything—else that sounded even remotely good, yet nothing actually tasted good. Even the "clean" cashews tasted of rancid cottonseed oil. My sense of taste has become that keen. So I've given up. We had a good run, Cheat Day. Apparently Sunday did not want to lend itself to more food.
I'll drink some more water, put my sick kid back in bed and then go to bed myself.
eta at 2am:
Oh my gosh, I feel awful. Those one bites of five random foods really did me in. I felt great all day and now this. Ugh. Something else to learn and do better on next time. See you next week.
*super enzyme x4
I've also hit that low phase where my energy is lacking and I generally just feel blah, as my body acclimates to the food I'm eating again. So I'm just trying to chug along and stay strict to my routine and wait for it to pass. And it will pass. Eventually. Silver-lining girl has been hard to summon this week. Some days I've had to just trust in the routine and ignore all else.
Today, I'm trying to enjoy the little things. Like seeing the look on my sweet girl's face as I sneak her a bite of my Häagen-Dazs.
8:30am
glass of grapefruit juice
9am
three eggs scrambled*
three gluten and dairy free pancakes
2pm
hamburger*
lentils with kerrygold
sauteed cauliflower and broccoli
olive tortilla chips (I bought these on a whim. The bag is smallish compared to regular chips and I liked that they were pretty clean. They are phenomenal!)
3pm
bowl of Häagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream
4:30pm
corned beef and cabbage*
bowl of ice cream (C'mon! How else will I finish the pint today?)
8:15pm
5 dates (I was impatient with my huge-ass sweet potato that took forever to cook. I went through the ingredients of all the Halloween candy and everything had things on my "no" list, so I opted for these instead.)
8:30pm
two burgers*
lentils with kerrygold
sweet potato with kerrygold
9:30pm
rest of the Häagen-Dazs
1am
cottage cheese with a tiny amount of coconut extract
1/2 of a small banana (I would have eaten the whole thing, but it wasn't that good.)
1/2 cup of a raisin and dry roasted peanut mix**
Yep. It's 1am. Yep—I'm still awake.
I could not eat. But hey, where's the fun in that?!
**Apparently there would have been a lot of fun in that. After three or four peanuts I came to see the peanuts have MSG in them and so I didn't eat anymore; I tried to substitute it with something—anything—else that sounded even remotely good, yet nothing actually tasted good. Even the "clean" cashews tasted of rancid cottonseed oil. My sense of taste has become that keen. So I've given up. We had a good run, Cheat Day. Apparently Sunday did not want to lend itself to more food.
I'll drink some more water, put my sick kid back in bed and then go to bed myself.
eta at 2am:
Oh my gosh, I feel awful. Those one bites of five random foods really did me in. I felt great all day and now this. Ugh. Something else to learn and do better on next time. See you next week.
*super enzyme x4
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Ebb and flow.
I am not sleeping enough and I'm not drinking enough water. Today I feel it. I'm actually physically uncomfortable.
I'm already rectifying both of these issues though. I'm actually thirsty today (dehydrated much?) so it's been easy to get more water down— less easy to remember to refill my cup. I only made three cups of coffee today. This way I'm now drinking water all day instead of coffee and also I won't have as much caffeine.
Last night I went to sleep really late and for no good reason forfeited my magnesium. I paid for it with restless sleep and odd dreams that consumed me.
Tonight, no matter what, I will be going to sleep early.
In good news, I tried some clothes on today that I hadn't worn in four years (Wow! I'm stunned to do the math on that and find that it's been that long!) and it was all uncomfortably over-sized. Although I've only been working on being healthy and losing weight consistently for nine months this time around, it's nice to be reminded that the journey has been a lot longer than that. I've made a hell of a lot of progress, despite not always feeling like that from day to day.
eta 9:15pm:
I've had eight 16oz glasses of water today and I'm still thirsty. I guess I really was dehydrated. I'm going to drink another glass and then go to sleep.
I'm already rectifying both of these issues though. I'm actually thirsty today (dehydrated much?) so it's been easy to get more water down— less easy to remember to refill my cup. I only made three cups of coffee today. This way I'm now drinking water all day instead of coffee and also I won't have as much caffeine.
Last night I went to sleep really late and for no good reason forfeited my magnesium. I paid for it with restless sleep and odd dreams that consumed me.
Tonight, no matter what, I will be going to sleep early.
In good news, I tried some clothes on today that I hadn't worn in four years (Wow! I'm stunned to do the math on that and find that it's been that long!) and it was all uncomfortably over-sized. Although I've only been working on being healthy and losing weight consistently for nine months this time around, it's nice to be reminded that the journey has been a lot longer than that. I've made a hell of a lot of progress, despite not always feeling like that from day to day.
eta 9:15pm:
I've had eight 16oz glasses of water today and I'm still thirsty. I guess I really was dehydrated. I'm going to drink another glass and then go to sleep.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Tim Ferriss' Slow Carb Diet Outline.
So here's what I'm doing for the next month. Tim assures me I can lose 20 pounds eating this way. I am skeptical, but I'm always willing to try new things as long as they mostly lie within my belief system. I wouldn't go out and start a HFCS diet, for example, but I'll try this with only minimal kicking and screaming.
Mostly though, honestly, I'm trying to embrace the things that I don't necessarily agree with. I'm not happy eating legumes at every meal, but I'm doing it three out of four anyway (which is Tim-approved). Also I don't agree with the scheduled cheat days, but I'd just be setting myself up for failure by not embracing it and making it the best cheat day I can. I will always inherently be the silver lining girl.
The specs.
Eat within one hour of waking.
Eat every four hours.
Rotate 5-6 meals the entire month.
Eat slowly (should take 30 minutes to eat a meal).
Eat fermented food once a day.
Drink lots of water.
No dairy.
The rules.
Avoid "white" carbohydrates.
Eat the same meal over and over again.
Don't drink calories.
Don't eat fruit.
Take one day off per week.
The menu.
Eat one food from each category at every meal.
Protein
eggs
chicken breast or thigh
beef
fish
pork
Legumes
lentils
black beans
pinto beans
red beans
soybeans
Vegetables
spinach
mixed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, etc.)
sauerkraut, kimchee
asparagus
peas
green beans
Supplements. (not a Tim thing. Just a me thing.)
Super Enzymes with every meal
Vitamin D3 (5000IU 5-6 times a week)
Magnesium (325mg a night)
Fish Oil (5-6 tsp a day)
Mostly though, honestly, I'm trying to embrace the things that I don't necessarily agree with. I'm not happy eating legumes at every meal, but I'm doing it three out of four anyway (which is Tim-approved). Also I don't agree with the scheduled cheat days, but I'd just be setting myself up for failure by not embracing it and making it the best cheat day I can. I will always inherently be the silver lining girl.
The specs.
Eat within one hour of waking.
Eat every four hours.
Rotate 5-6 meals the entire month.
Eat slowly (should take 30 minutes to eat a meal).
Eat fermented food once a day.
Drink lots of water.
No dairy.
The rules.
Avoid "white" carbohydrates.
Eat the same meal over and over again.
Don't drink calories.
Don't eat fruit.
Take one day off per week.
The menu.
Eat one food from each category at every meal.
Protein
eggs
chicken breast or thigh
beef
fish
pork
Legumes
lentils
black beans
pinto beans
red beans
soybeans
Vegetables
spinach
mixed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, etc.)
sauerkraut, kimchee
asparagus
peas
green beans
Supplements. (not a Tim thing. Just a me thing.)
Super Enzymes with every meal
Vitamin D3 (5000IU 5-6 times a week)
Magnesium (325mg a night)
Fish Oil (5-6 tsp a day)
(Counter)productive Saturdays.
So I started Tim Ferriss' Slow Carb Diet. It's basically Paleo except I have to eat legumes and I have to have one cheat day every week. I'm posting all the pictures at my flickr account. Posting them here would be too much of a tempt to add comments and I want to keep it as simple as possible.
I will be documenting my four cheat days this month though. I'll also post a separate write up of what my other days look like in regard to food. Otherwise, I doubt I'll post much else about it until my month-end stat results.
Cheat Day #1
10am
three eggs* and two pieces of bacon
11am
small bowl of popcorn with palm oil
12:30pm
sinful chocolate glazed donut plus a chocolate glazed munchkin
1:15pm
8oz of grapefruit juice
1:45pm
1/5lb burger* with coconut oil and cinnamon
medium sweet potato with kerrygold
1/2 cup blueberries
3:45pm
5 forkfuls of sauerkraut
bowl of tostitos
4:20-5:20pm
walked 4+ miles in the 19° (windchill 7°) awesomeness
5:45pm
fun size Halloween candy (whoppers, peanut butter M&Ms, snickers)
6:30pm
hamburger patty*
tostitos
fun size almond joy and 3 musketeers (I seriously need to throw away that Halloween candy now...)
9:45pm
Whopper Jr* with 1/2 order of small onion rings
10:15pm
Moon Pie ice cream with 1/2 banana and crushed pecans
I had coffee with minimal heavy whipping cream until 2pm-ish and then only had water the rest of the day.
I feel pretty okay, all things considered. I definitely feel bloated for the first time all week. The thing I ate today that I wish I could change would be the candy, but for no other reason than I ate it mindlessly. Even the Whopper I ate over a half hour period and took my time and ate consciously.
It was a good day and I took full advantage of my cheats. Tonight I bought a beautiful three and a half pound top sirloin roast and I'm super excited to get back to normal tomorrow.
*took super enzyme with meal
I will be documenting my four cheat days this month though. I'll also post a separate write up of what my other days look like in regard to food. Otherwise, I doubt I'll post much else about it until my month-end stat results.
Cheat Day #1
10am
three eggs* and two pieces of bacon
11am
small bowl of popcorn with palm oil
12:30pm
sinful chocolate glazed donut plus a chocolate glazed munchkin
1:15pm
8oz of grapefruit juice
1:45pm
1/5lb burger* with coconut oil and cinnamon
medium sweet potato with kerrygold
1/2 cup blueberries
3:45pm
5 forkfuls of sauerkraut
bowl of tostitos
4:20-5:20pm
walked 4+ miles in the 19° (windchill 7°) awesomeness
5:45pm
fun size Halloween candy (whoppers, peanut butter M&Ms, snickers)
6:30pm
hamburger patty*
tostitos
fun size almond joy and 3 musketeers (I seriously need to throw away that Halloween candy now...)
9:45pm
Whopper Jr* with 1/2 order of small onion rings
10:15pm
Moon Pie ice cream with 1/2 banana and crushed pecans
I had coffee with minimal heavy whipping cream until 2pm-ish and then only had water the rest of the day.
I feel pretty okay, all things considered. I definitely feel bloated for the first time all week. The thing I ate today that I wish I could change would be the candy, but for no other reason than I ate it mindlessly. Even the Whopper I ate over a half hour period and took my time and ate consciously.
It was a good day and I took full advantage of my cheats. Tonight I bought a beautiful three and a half pound top sirloin roast and I'm super excited to get back to normal tomorrow.
*took super enzyme with meal
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