I'd like to preface this post with the fact that I don't even want to be writing it. I'm tired of all these "rules" and record keeping and I just want to be.
I've spent a couple weeks being not so careful because I was just sick of everything. I feel cruddy (cruddier than usual) and I'm ready to get back on track. It's a new track this time. I spent a really long time following a path I was hoping would work and no matter how much I tried to make it work, I've come to see I just don't want to be on that path anymore. So I'm done.
For now there will be no more documentation. No more pictures or food tracking. No more micromanaging or obsessing. No more measuring or weighing.
I'm going to keep track of my water intake, my supplements and my intermittent fasting. Anything else, I can no longer be bothered with.
I've started eating more probiotics and raw vegetables and will continue to do that daily. Once again I'm back to grain-free (I took a couple weeks off—no wheat though—and it just doesn't agree with me on a consistent basis. I need to be grain-free), sugar-free (I took off time from this too and as awesome as the food tastes, it does nothing for my body, my attitude or my overall well-being), dairy free (apart from heavy whipping cream, kefir and Kerrygold), and fruit-free (once I start, I just can't seem to stop, so why bother with the tempt?)
So while it seems there are more rules, or at least the same rules, I don't really view it that way. I got carried away in the last couple weeks with the fact that I realized I had the power to make the wrong choices, and then I decided to make them. This time I know I can make them and I'm choosing not to. It's always a choice. I'm choosing to re-eliminate the foods that make me feel shitty (even though a lot of aspects of that lifestyle haven't necessarily worked for weight loss yet) and I'm also choosing to not obsess over it anymore. There will be an in-between that works for me. I just need to not try so hard to find it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Great Fast.
I ended up fasting the entire weekend. It felt really good to give my body a break from food. I had a few bowls of broth a day strained from previously made chicken soup.
While sick, I think it helped my body concentrate on healing, instead of digesting food. It was nice to go back to eating this morning. I do feel sort of bloated again already this afternoon.
I took waist/hip measurements this morning, so it'll be interesting to see what happens after a couple days of normal eating.
While sick, I think it helped my body concentrate on healing, instead of digesting food. It was nice to go back to eating this morning. I do feel sort of bloated again already this afternoon.
I took waist/hip measurements this morning, so it'll be interesting to see what happens after a couple days of normal eating.
The Dairy Factor.
A couple months ago, I had a crick in my neck. It felt tight for a while and I thought if I could just crack it, it would feel better. Once this happened though, it only seemed to get worse. I could barely turn my head and nothing relieved the pain. Within a few days, the pain subsided and I forgot about it.
A couple days ago my neck had that weird tightness again. I remembered the last time that happened though, and I made sure not to pop it on purpose again. Today it's still a little sore, but the tension is starting to subside.
It got me thinking though. There are lots of people who report lifelong pain subsiding after eliminating foods. I don't remember if I had dairy the last time this neck thing happened. I know though that I had dairy this past week.
I don't know if there's a connection or not, but I wanted to note it in case I forget about it.
A couple days ago my neck had that weird tightness again. I remembered the last time that happened though, and I made sure not to pop it on purpose again. Today it's still a little sore, but the tension is starting to subside.
It got me thinking though. There are lots of people who report lifelong pain subsiding after eliminating foods. I don't remember if I had dairy the last time this neck thing happened. I know though that I had dairy this past week.
I don't know if there's a connection or not, but I wanted to note it in case I forget about it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Up the down side.
This is not working.
I'm not entirely sure how to define "this", but something isn't working. I was a machine when it came to saying no cravings. I kicked ass. The last three days for no discernible reason, I've had zero willpower. I don't know if it's just me letting things trip me up or if it's more of a physiological thing. It was recommended I start eating more glucose. I figured I'd try it. So I've had one meal a day that had squash or sweet potatoes. Not a lot, but enough.
Then the last four days or so I've been craving carbs. This never bodes well, except this time I haven't even had a desire to say no to them.
So after days of starting out with a clear head and ending with a stomach full of things I hadn't intended on eating, I'm through.
So I'm going to fast today and avoid all food completely. I've had my normal coffee and because I woke up with a sore throat and congestion, I've also been drinking some homemade chicken soup broth. Nothing else though. I need to kick this carb thing and this is the only way I can do it.
eta:
Despite all the cheats, I've still stayed away from wheat and gluten, but not milk or sugar or the other normal things I avoid.
I'm not entirely sure how to define "this", but something isn't working. I was a machine when it came to saying no cravings. I kicked ass. The last three days for no discernible reason, I've had zero willpower. I don't know if it's just me letting things trip me up or if it's more of a physiological thing. It was recommended I start eating more glucose. I figured I'd try it. So I've had one meal a day that had squash or sweet potatoes. Not a lot, but enough.
Then the last four days or so I've been craving carbs. This never bodes well, except this time I haven't even had a desire to say no to them.
So after days of starting out with a clear head and ending with a stomach full of things I hadn't intended on eating, I'm through.
So I'm going to fast today and avoid all food completely. I've had my normal coffee and because I woke up with a sore throat and congestion, I've also been drinking some homemade chicken soup broth. Nothing else though. I need to kick this carb thing and this is the only way I can do it.
eta:
Despite all the cheats, I've still stayed away from wheat and gluten, but not milk or sugar or the other normal things I avoid.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Your love is better than chocolate. Well...no, not really.
I am so easily influenced. I swear I could go forever without eating bad for me things. I rarely actually want them. Then I can mention to a friend chocolate or snacks or something. I don't even really want those things either. But if they mention what sounds good to them. I'm.so.screwed. And that Halloween candy I said I should get rid of. I really should have gotten rid of that. Because really...I didn't need to eat the Snickers, no matter how freaking good it was.
And we won't even mention the other things I had tonight. Or how it's not my cheat day. Or how I took two cheat days last week—one I was perfectly happy with and the other I overindulged in.
I don't know why I do these things. I'm rebelling against my body which has been uncooperative. The way I've chosen to rebel is so counterproductive. I know better. That snickers tasted so good though. ...as did the other things I ate that I shouldn't have.
It's now 6am and I am still up. No sleep and excess sugar is no way to ward off the severe random illness both of my kids have.
I'm going to eat something and drink a boatload of water and then I'm going to go to sleep for a little while. Good luck to me.
eta:
I accomplished good things tonight and I'm proud of myself—just not in the food department.
And we won't even mention the other things I had tonight. Or how it's not my cheat day. Or how I took two cheat days last week—one I was perfectly happy with and the other I overindulged in.
I don't know why I do these things. I'm rebelling against my body which has been uncooperative. The way I've chosen to rebel is so counterproductive. I know better. That snickers tasted so good though. ...as did the other things I ate that I shouldn't have.
It's now 6am and I am still up. No sleep and excess sugar is no way to ward off the severe random illness both of my kids have.
I'm going to eat something and drink a boatload of water and then I'm going to go to sleep for a little while. Good luck to me.
eta:
I accomplished good things tonight and I'm proud of myself—just not in the food department.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Epic oversight.
Last night my waist measured the same as it had on January 1st. I've had pretty significant inch loss since that time, but not in my waist.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. Also, a lot of conversations have been had and suggestions given. There are some factors that I had previously blown off as possibilities, but I'm starting to think they may have some validity. Being paleo, I've added a lot of fat to my diet. I've known for a while that not having a gallbladder could have an affect on my digestion, but I was thinking some epic reaction would occur and I'd be able to say "Oh! That happened. I guess I should limit fat now," but that situation didn't happen. Well...I hadn't noted that it happened.
So now I'm seeing that maybe this issue I've been noting for a long time (as well as other digestive issues) could be that epic moment. I'm still going to cook with coconut oil, but I'm going to limit my Kerrygold consumption for the rest of the month and see if that helps.
So to recap all the February fun:
phase out legumes
restart taking my digestive enzyme
no extra smothering of the Kerrygold (aka limit the excess fat)
no more cheat days
Oh. I don't think I've written about that last one. I've decided to not have cheat days. Even when I try really hard, I can't make it work and then it takes days to recover, even when I haven't had gluten. So no more cheat days. I will have a cheat meal once a week though. An entire day is just too much.
These are all pretty easy fixes. I'll give this a fair try for a little while and see what happens. If nothing changes, I'll explore the other possibilities—namely getting my hormone levels tested. I fear if something is off, my doctor is going to haphazardly prescribe meds (she's always quick to tell me how Ibuprofen can cure all) and I'd rather a prescription be a last resort. Also my yearly physical is coming up in April and I'd like to wait until then to see her.
I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. Also, a lot of conversations have been had and suggestions given. There are some factors that I had previously blown off as possibilities, but I'm starting to think they may have some validity. Being paleo, I've added a lot of fat to my diet. I've known for a while that not having a gallbladder could have an affect on my digestion, but I was thinking some epic reaction would occur and I'd be able to say "Oh! That happened. I guess I should limit fat now," but that situation didn't happen. Well...I hadn't noted that it happened.
So now I'm seeing that maybe this issue I've been noting for a long time (as well as other digestive issues) could be that epic moment. I'm still going to cook with coconut oil, but I'm going to limit my Kerrygold consumption for the rest of the month and see if that helps.
So to recap all the February fun:
phase out legumes
restart taking my digestive enzyme
no extra smothering of the Kerrygold (aka limit the excess fat)
no more cheat days
Oh. I don't think I've written about that last one. I've decided to not have cheat days. Even when I try really hard, I can't make it work and then it takes days to recover, even when I haven't had gluten. So no more cheat days. I will have a cheat meal once a week though. An entire day is just too much.
These are all pretty easy fixes. I'll give this a fair try for a little while and see what happens. If nothing changes, I'll explore the other possibilities—namely getting my hormone levels tested. I fear if something is off, my doctor is going to haphazardly prescribe meds (she's always quick to tell me how Ibuprofen can cure all) and I'd rather a prescription be a last resort. Also my yearly physical is coming up in April and I'd like to wait until then to see her.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Not your every day jelly bean.
I've slowly been phasing out legumes again. I never really ate any to begin with so going paleo was not a big deal in that regard. With everything I know of legumes, I was not in agreement with adding them back in, but I did it to follow the plan I committed to. I was okay with it for a month.
A couple things I learned during that month is that soaking your beans and then cooking them yourself makes for a much better bean compared to canned. It's worth the effort.
Another thing I learned is beans aren't so bad. Black beans are good warmed up with oil and red wine vinegar and some seasoning. Lentils are good with melted butter. In fact, if you overcook the lentils and then put butter and salt on them they are surprisingly like mashed potatoes. If I ever wanted to sit at home on a rainy day and have some comfort food, that would be a nice substitute for mashed potatoes since I don't do so well with potatoes.
Despite my positive foray into beans (I had some chick peas too and they were pretty okay) I'm ready to not be eating them anymore. Part of not eating them anymore though requires I add back in the calories and carbs. This will take a little getting used to.
I had already increased my protein intake to account for the extra hunger I know comes when I start working out again. Since I just ate three extra helpings of broccoli and cauliflower, I'm thinking I'll need to compensate for the beans more than I had previously thought. I'll tweak it some more though and see what happens. I could have just randomly been hungrier too.
I feel really good today. My stomach is distended and my jeans are tight and I'm not sure why, but aside from that, I feel surprisingly good. My head is clearer than usual and I have high energy. It's a great day.
A couple things I learned during that month is that soaking your beans and then cooking them yourself makes for a much better bean compared to canned. It's worth the effort.
Another thing I learned is beans aren't so bad. Black beans are good warmed up with oil and red wine vinegar and some seasoning. Lentils are good with melted butter. In fact, if you overcook the lentils and then put butter and salt on them they are surprisingly like mashed potatoes. If I ever wanted to sit at home on a rainy day and have some comfort food, that would be a nice substitute for mashed potatoes since I don't do so well with potatoes.
Despite my positive foray into beans (I had some chick peas too and they were pretty okay) I'm ready to not be eating them anymore. Part of not eating them anymore though requires I add back in the calories and carbs. This will take a little getting used to.
I had already increased my protein intake to account for the extra hunger I know comes when I start working out again. Since I just ate three extra helpings of broccoli and cauliflower, I'm thinking I'll need to compensate for the beans more than I had previously thought. I'll tweak it some more though and see what happens. I could have just randomly been hungrier too.
I feel really good today. My stomach is distended and my jeans are tight and I'm not sure why, but aside from that, I feel surprisingly good. My head is clearer than usual and I have high energy. It's a great day.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Yes. Yes, I am.
Here's a list of the ridiculous things I do that may or may not work, but are worth the try anyway. There's a lot of them. I don't feel that they're nearly as time-consuming as they sound. Also, to me, most of them aren't nearly as "painful" as others may consider them.
drink cold water upon waking
work out fasted
eat fermented food daily
eat within an hour of waking up
don't drink a lot during meals
cold shower before bed (it doesn't count unless it's shiver-inducing. no really. it's actually kind of the highlight of my day.)
sleep with an ice pack on my neck (I've actually come to prefer this and don't sleep as well if I forget it.)
If anything in this list kick starts some good weight loss, that's awesome. If it doesn't, it was just a blip. It was just a small particle of time and worth the chance.
On a quasi-related note, after going through all of my notes and measurements and records for the last six weeks (and part of last year), I came across a possible weight loss correlation. My weight always dips in the first two weeks of being strict and I'm always taking my super enzymes during that time. There was a significant correlation in January. So I'll start taking them again and see what happens.
Week 1 stats are 1.75 inches and .2 pounds lost.
drink cold water upon waking
work out fasted
eat fermented food daily
eat within an hour of waking up
don't drink a lot during meals
cold shower before bed (it doesn't count unless it's shiver-inducing. no really. it's actually kind of the highlight of my day.)
sleep with an ice pack on my neck (I've actually come to prefer this and don't sleep as well if I forget it.)
If anything in this list kick starts some good weight loss, that's awesome. If it doesn't, it was just a blip. It was just a small particle of time and worth the chance.
On a quasi-related note, after going through all of my notes and measurements and records for the last six weeks (and part of last year), I came across a possible weight loss correlation. My weight always dips in the first two weeks of being strict and I'm always taking my super enzymes during that time. There was a significant correlation in January. So I'll start taking them again and see what happens.
Week 1 stats are 1.75 inches and .2 pounds lost.
Impromptu Cheat Day.
I dislike the notebook I've been writing all my weight and performance stuff in. Well...I dislike that it's defective and doesn't close correctly. So I bought a new one today. I've been transferring all the information this morning and decided to have my cheat day today. I'm going to eat squash and corn chips and maybe some coconut ice cream and whatever else sounds good in the house, but I'm not going to go buy anything. I don't really care about cheat day this week and there aren't any big cheats I want. I'm just doing it today to get it out of the way.
I want my weight to go back to normal—whatever that is. I want my hormones to stop messing with me and I want to not be so sensitive to food. I can't control those things though, so I'm taking my cheat day today (because I can control that) and maybe in a couple days when my hormones even out, the effects of the cheats will have worn off too. In the meantime I'll concentrate on the other things I can control—sleep and performance, which I feel really great about this week.
eta:
I won't be documenting my food intake here today. The pictures will still be posted to flickr as usual.
I want my weight to go back to normal—whatever that is. I want my hormones to stop messing with me and I want to not be so sensitive to food. I can't control those things though, so I'm taking my cheat day today (because I can control that) and maybe in a couple days when my hormones even out, the effects of the cheats will have worn off too. In the meantime I'll concentrate on the other things I can control—sleep and performance, which I feel really great about this week.
eta:
I won't be documenting my food intake here today. The pictures will still be posted to flickr as usual.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Happy Groundhog Day!!
The last week has been really trying. PMS unexpectedly kicked in early and it was overwhelming and my god, what do you do with these extra hormones that are attacking you and turning you into someone you no longer recognize? I'm still in the midst of it and I'm rolling my eyes at what I just typed. And yet...there it is anyway.
Last night I worked out for the first time in too long. I forfeited working out last month and it does not suit me. I'm happy to reclaim what I forget I love. I'm starting out slow, but intend on steady progress and I can't wait to kill it. It feels good to finally be excited about something when excitement has been lacking recently.
8am
two scrambled eggs. I was going to just have cupcakes for breakfast, but I'm in a good mindset and I refuse to squander it. A good for you breakfast was required.
9am
tasted the cannoli I bought yesterday. I ate less than half of it and ended up spitting out the shell because it was no longer crunchy. The inside, while good, was so sweet to me that it hurt my teeth. The super fast sweetness actually kind of turns my stomach and gives me goosebumps in that unpleasant sort of way. Next up: Cupcakes!
9:45am
Cupcakes.
caramel latte. Andes. double chocolate.
The cake part of the caramel latte was the best. All of the frosting was unbearably sweet. These were regular sized cupcakes and the cake part was just below the cupcake cups. I had a small bite of each one and then ate half of the caramel latte cake part. There was also a chocolate chip cookie purchased and I had a small bite of that. That was actually pretty good. I'm ready for something not so sweet.
10:30am
cranberry and chipotle sausage with steamed broccoli and black beans.
Not 100% real food, but close enough.
11:30am
The girl and I had cookies. She tasted my chocolate chip and I tasted her shortbread.
12:30pm
The boy and I had Food Should Taste Good olive tortilla chips. We snacked on these off and on for a while.
eta on 2.4.11 9:10am:
2pm
5-6 Keebler Deluxe Grahams
I was reminded of these chocolate covered grahams a couple days ago and I figure today would be the only day I would excuse my eating them. It might just have been the nostalgia, but they still tasted really good. I only wanted a few though and the aimless snacking craving I expected never came. I brought the rest of the package (and the other three cupcakes) next door. I had also gotten a Russel Stover's marshmallow egg. I had a bite. It's not my cup of tea anymore.
5:15pm
Lone Star- filet mignon and half of a half rack of ribs. sweet potato with butter. some fries. an unprecedented roll with cinnamon butter. Some apple cobbler for dessert.
The filet was so good and cooked just shy of medium rare. The ribs were too saucy, but still good. I figured I may as well have dessert. It is Groundhog Day afterall!
8:30pm
mini snickers, almond joy, whoppers
I was so full after dinner, but then eventually I wanted to take advantage of my day and I was reminded that I had intended on a Snickers. Instead of a big one, I just had Halloween leftovers.
9:30
5-6 dates
Dates sounded really good the other day as a clean cheat of sorts. It's not something I can have the rest of the week so I had some. It will probably be the sort of cheat I have from now on on cheat days.
I'm really kind of over all the processed sugar. Today was a gluten/wheat exception, but otherwise I doubt I'll have any for a while. From now on I expect cheat days will consist of sushi and maybe rice noodles sometimes. I'm really kind of over the cheat day in excess thing and now that my severe pms is waning, I'm not craving ridiculous things anymore.
I'm going to make February a kickass sort of month. I'm really excited about it. We're just four days in and I've already created a plan and established a routine that I'm committed to. It feels really good to have this back.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
January stats.
The results of my January challenge are on.
7.75 inches and 7 pounds lost.
I'm disappointed that I gained inches this last week. I know it's a hormonal effect, but that doesn't change anything for me. I am proud of my accomplishments this month.
7.75 inches and 7 pounds lost.
I'm disappointed that I gained inches this last week. I know it's a hormonal effect, but that doesn't change anything for me. I am proud of my accomplishments this month.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tempting Tuesday.
It's much harder to keep a running log of my food intake on a Tuesday, then a Saturday. So I didn't even try. Suffice it to say that I had a pint of ice cream, a small slice of homemade cheesecake that needs more than a little work, 6-7 slices of deli salami, a tablespoon of Craisins that made my throat hurt, a super small bite of chocolate that wasn't very good, a shared bag of Food Should Taste Good olive tortilla chips, the single best sushi (all gluten-free, eel and bagel roll) I've ever eaten, and then a small amount of the normal everyday things I usually try to eat.
Aside from the sushi, the day was mostly uneventful. In fact, if it wasn't for my earlier lightbulb moments, I would have called today a wash in the food department. It's almost a sad day when sushi is your best cheat. It barely feels like a cheat at all. Back to normal tomorrow.
Oh, and this was the last cheat day of month one. There should technically have been four, but I was already reserving my last weekend cheat day for a Groundhogs Day feast. Gotta celebrate those cute little buggers!
Next Monday I'll post my official inch/pound loss for the month.
Aside from the sushi, the day was mostly uneventful. In fact, if it wasn't for my earlier lightbulb moments, I would have called today a wash in the food department. It's almost a sad day when sushi is your best cheat. It barely feels like a cheat at all. Back to normal tomorrow.
Oh, and this was the last cheat day of month one. There should technically have been four, but I was already reserving my last weekend cheat day for a Groundhogs Day feast. Gotta celebrate those cute little buggers!
Next Monday I'll post my official inch/pound loss for the month.
A derailment between two points.
Let's talk self-sabotage.
I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.
And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.
Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.
Mostly.
It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.
I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.
I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.
On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)
Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.
Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.
The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.
eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.
I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.
I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.
I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.
And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.
Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.
Mostly.
It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.
I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.
I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.
On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)
Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.
Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.
The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.
eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.
I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.
I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Not yet.
I've been so sick. Cheat Day postponed until Monday or Tuesday when my body doesn't need to concentrate so much on healing itself.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Some things to note.
Yesterday for the first time in weeks, my body finally felt like it was changing. This is pivotal really, as I don't judge the scale on this sort of thing. It doesn't matter much to me what the scale says (although yes, I do get frustrated when it doesn't budge for months) or what the tape measure reads. What is important is how I feel and I haven't felt any difference in months.
Yesterday felt like a turning point. My clothes felt baggier and my body felt slimmer. It was a good feeling. This morning the scale reflected that feeling and I hit a number I haven't seen since October. It still doesn't really mean much quite yet. I won't be satisfied until I'm feeling great consistently, but for now this feels amazing.
The other thing I want to note is that this morning I had chest pains. Sometimes I get this when I haven't eaten. I think it's a reflux thing. Might be a kidney thing. I'm not exactly sure. The difference this morning though is that it came while I was eating. That has never happened before.
I hadn't yet taken my enzymes, so I decided not to take them. I took a break while I had that feeling in my sternum and once it subsided, I resumed eating slowly. The feeling came back. I took another break. Eventually I ate two of my three eggs, half of my black beans and all of the broccoli and cauliflower.
This afternoon I'm going to take it easy with food. I'm having a can of salmon with some black beans for a late lunch. I'll see how I feel after that. I'm not worried about it yet, but I wanted to type it all up here so I didn't forget. Also, I think I'm getting sick. It hurts to swallow. Otherwise things are good!
Yesterday felt like a turning point. My clothes felt baggier and my body felt slimmer. It was a good feeling. This morning the scale reflected that feeling and I hit a number I haven't seen since October. It still doesn't really mean much quite yet. I won't be satisfied until I'm feeling great consistently, but for now this feels amazing.
The other thing I want to note is that this morning I had chest pains. Sometimes I get this when I haven't eaten. I think it's a reflux thing. Might be a kidney thing. I'm not exactly sure. The difference this morning though is that it came while I was eating. That has never happened before.
I hadn't yet taken my enzymes, so I decided not to take them. I took a break while I had that feeling in my sternum and once it subsided, I resumed eating slowly. The feeling came back. I took another break. Eventually I ate two of my three eggs, half of my black beans and all of the broccoli and cauliflower.
This afternoon I'm going to take it easy with food. I'm having a can of salmon with some black beans for a late lunch. I'll see how I feel after that. I'm not worried about it yet, but I wanted to type it all up here so I didn't forget. Also, I think I'm getting sick. It hurts to swallow. Otherwise things are good!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Treat Day Saturday.
I've decided to make my cheat day's relatively clean. Okay, not clean clean, but cleaner. No gluten at least. No HFCS. No partially hydrogenated oils. No artificial colors or flavors. No frivolous dairy. These things notoriously make me sick and it takes days to recover from them. By the time I'm feeling 100% again, cheat day has come back around again. So, today is going to be calculated cheats in hopes of this next week being more tolerable than last week.
I've also hit that low phase where my energy is lacking and I generally just feel blah, as my body acclimates to the food I'm eating again. So I'm just trying to chug along and stay strict to my routine and wait for it to pass. And it will pass. Eventually. Silver-lining girl has been hard to summon this week. Some days I've had to just trust in the routine and ignore all else.
Today, I'm trying to enjoy the little things. Like seeing the look on my sweet girl's face as I sneak her a bite of my Häagen-Dazs.
8:30am
glass of grapefruit juice
9am
three eggs scrambled*
three gluten and dairy free pancakes
2pm
hamburger*
lentils with kerrygold
sauteed cauliflower and broccoli
olive tortilla chips (I bought these on a whim. The bag is smallish compared to regular chips and I liked that they were pretty clean. They are phenomenal!)
3pm
bowl of Häagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream
4:30pm
corned beef and cabbage*
bowl of ice cream (C'mon! How else will I finish the pint today?)
8:15pm
5 dates (I was impatient with my huge-ass sweet potato that took forever to cook. I went through the ingredients of all the Halloween candy and everything had things on my "no" list, so I opted for these instead.)
8:30pm
two burgers*
lentils with kerrygold
sweet potato with kerrygold
9:30pm
rest of the Häagen-Dazs
1am
cottage cheese with a tiny amount of coconut extract
1/2 of a small banana (I would have eaten the whole thing, but it wasn't that good.)
1/2 cup of a raisin and dry roasted peanut mix**
Yep. It's 1am. Yep—I'm still awake.
I could not eat. But hey, where's the fun in that?!
**Apparently there would have been a lot of fun in that. After three or four peanuts I came to see the peanuts have MSG in them and so I didn't eat anymore; I tried to substitute it with something—anything—else that sounded even remotely good, yet nothing actually tasted good. Even the "clean" cashews tasted of rancid cottonseed oil. My sense of taste has become that keen. So I've given up. We had a good run, Cheat Day. Apparently Sunday did not want to lend itself to more food.
I'll drink some more water, put my sick kid back in bed and then go to bed myself.
eta at 2am:
Oh my gosh, I feel awful. Those one bites of five random foods really did me in. I felt great all day and now this. Ugh. Something else to learn and do better on next time. See you next week.
*super enzyme x4
I've also hit that low phase where my energy is lacking and I generally just feel blah, as my body acclimates to the food I'm eating again. So I'm just trying to chug along and stay strict to my routine and wait for it to pass. And it will pass. Eventually. Silver-lining girl has been hard to summon this week. Some days I've had to just trust in the routine and ignore all else.
Today, I'm trying to enjoy the little things. Like seeing the look on my sweet girl's face as I sneak her a bite of my Häagen-Dazs.
8:30am
glass of grapefruit juice
9am
three eggs scrambled*
three gluten and dairy free pancakes
2pm
hamburger*
lentils with kerrygold
sauteed cauliflower and broccoli
olive tortilla chips (I bought these on a whim. The bag is smallish compared to regular chips and I liked that they were pretty clean. They are phenomenal!)
3pm
bowl of Häagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream
4:30pm
corned beef and cabbage*
bowl of ice cream (C'mon! How else will I finish the pint today?)
8:15pm
5 dates (I was impatient with my huge-ass sweet potato that took forever to cook. I went through the ingredients of all the Halloween candy and everything had things on my "no" list, so I opted for these instead.)
8:30pm
two burgers*
lentils with kerrygold
sweet potato with kerrygold
9:30pm
rest of the Häagen-Dazs
1am
cottage cheese with a tiny amount of coconut extract
1/2 of a small banana (I would have eaten the whole thing, but it wasn't that good.)
1/2 cup of a raisin and dry roasted peanut mix**
Yep. It's 1am. Yep—I'm still awake.
I could not eat. But hey, where's the fun in that?!
**Apparently there would have been a lot of fun in that. After three or four peanuts I came to see the peanuts have MSG in them and so I didn't eat anymore; I tried to substitute it with something—anything—else that sounded even remotely good, yet nothing actually tasted good. Even the "clean" cashews tasted of rancid cottonseed oil. My sense of taste has become that keen. So I've given up. We had a good run, Cheat Day. Apparently Sunday did not want to lend itself to more food.
I'll drink some more water, put my sick kid back in bed and then go to bed myself.
eta at 2am:
Oh my gosh, I feel awful. Those one bites of five random foods really did me in. I felt great all day and now this. Ugh. Something else to learn and do better on next time. See you next week.
*super enzyme x4
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Ebb and flow.
I am not sleeping enough and I'm not drinking enough water. Today I feel it. I'm actually physically uncomfortable.
I'm already rectifying both of these issues though. I'm actually thirsty today (dehydrated much?) so it's been easy to get more water down— less easy to remember to refill my cup. I only made three cups of coffee today. This way I'm now drinking water all day instead of coffee and also I won't have as much caffeine.
Last night I went to sleep really late and for no good reason forfeited my magnesium. I paid for it with restless sleep and odd dreams that consumed me.
Tonight, no matter what, I will be going to sleep early.
In good news, I tried some clothes on today that I hadn't worn in four years (Wow! I'm stunned to do the math on that and find that it's been that long!) and it was all uncomfortably over-sized. Although I've only been working on being healthy and losing weight consistently for nine months this time around, it's nice to be reminded that the journey has been a lot longer than that. I've made a hell of a lot of progress, despite not always feeling like that from day to day.
eta 9:15pm:
I've had eight 16oz glasses of water today and I'm still thirsty. I guess I really was dehydrated. I'm going to drink another glass and then go to sleep.
I'm already rectifying both of these issues though. I'm actually thirsty today (dehydrated much?) so it's been easy to get more water down— less easy to remember to refill my cup. I only made three cups of coffee today. This way I'm now drinking water all day instead of coffee and also I won't have as much caffeine.
Last night I went to sleep really late and for no good reason forfeited my magnesium. I paid for it with restless sleep and odd dreams that consumed me.
Tonight, no matter what, I will be going to sleep early.
In good news, I tried some clothes on today that I hadn't worn in four years (Wow! I'm stunned to do the math on that and find that it's been that long!) and it was all uncomfortably over-sized. Although I've only been working on being healthy and losing weight consistently for nine months this time around, it's nice to be reminded that the journey has been a lot longer than that. I've made a hell of a lot of progress, despite not always feeling like that from day to day.
eta 9:15pm:
I've had eight 16oz glasses of water today and I'm still thirsty. I guess I really was dehydrated. I'm going to drink another glass and then go to sleep.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Tim Ferriss' Slow Carb Diet Outline.
So here's what I'm doing for the next month. Tim assures me I can lose 20 pounds eating this way. I am skeptical, but I'm always willing to try new things as long as they mostly lie within my belief system. I wouldn't go out and start a HFCS diet, for example, but I'll try this with only minimal kicking and screaming.
Mostly though, honestly, I'm trying to embrace the things that I don't necessarily agree with. I'm not happy eating legumes at every meal, but I'm doing it three out of four anyway (which is Tim-approved). Also I don't agree with the scheduled cheat days, but I'd just be setting myself up for failure by not embracing it and making it the best cheat day I can. I will always inherently be the silver lining girl.
The specs.
Eat within one hour of waking.
Eat every four hours.
Rotate 5-6 meals the entire month.
Eat slowly (should take 30 minutes to eat a meal).
Eat fermented food once a day.
Drink lots of water.
No dairy.
The rules.
Avoid "white" carbohydrates.
Eat the same meal over and over again.
Don't drink calories.
Don't eat fruit.
Take one day off per week.
The menu.
Eat one food from each category at every meal.
Protein
eggs
chicken breast or thigh
beef
fish
pork
Legumes
lentils
black beans
pinto beans
red beans
soybeans
Vegetables
spinach
mixed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, etc.)
sauerkraut, kimchee
asparagus
peas
green beans
Supplements. (not a Tim thing. Just a me thing.)
Super Enzymes with every meal
Vitamin D3 (5000IU 5-6 times a week)
Magnesium (325mg a night)
Fish Oil (5-6 tsp a day)
Mostly though, honestly, I'm trying to embrace the things that I don't necessarily agree with. I'm not happy eating legumes at every meal, but I'm doing it three out of four anyway (which is Tim-approved). Also I don't agree with the scheduled cheat days, but I'd just be setting myself up for failure by not embracing it and making it the best cheat day I can. I will always inherently be the silver lining girl.
The specs.
Eat within one hour of waking.
Eat every four hours.
Rotate 5-6 meals the entire month.
Eat slowly (should take 30 minutes to eat a meal).
Eat fermented food once a day.
Drink lots of water.
No dairy.
The rules.
Avoid "white" carbohydrates.
Eat the same meal over and over again.
Don't drink calories.
Don't eat fruit.
Take one day off per week.
The menu.
Eat one food from each category at every meal.
Protein
eggs
chicken breast or thigh
beef
fish
pork
Legumes
lentils
black beans
pinto beans
red beans
soybeans
Vegetables
spinach
mixed vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, etc.)
sauerkraut, kimchee
asparagus
peas
green beans
Supplements. (not a Tim thing. Just a me thing.)
Super Enzymes with every meal
Vitamin D3 (5000IU 5-6 times a week)
Magnesium (325mg a night)
Fish Oil (5-6 tsp a day)
(Counter)productive Saturdays.
So I started Tim Ferriss' Slow Carb Diet. It's basically Paleo except I have to eat legumes and I have to have one cheat day every week. I'm posting all the pictures at my flickr account. Posting them here would be too much of a tempt to add comments and I want to keep it as simple as possible.
I will be documenting my four cheat days this month though. I'll also post a separate write up of what my other days look like in regard to food. Otherwise, I doubt I'll post much else about it until my month-end stat results.
Cheat Day #1
10am
three eggs* and two pieces of bacon
11am
small bowl of popcorn with palm oil
12:30pm
sinful chocolate glazed donut plus a chocolate glazed munchkin
1:15pm
8oz of grapefruit juice
1:45pm
1/5lb burger* with coconut oil and cinnamon
medium sweet potato with kerrygold
1/2 cup blueberries
3:45pm
5 forkfuls of sauerkraut
bowl of tostitos
4:20-5:20pm
walked 4+ miles in the 19° (windchill 7°) awesomeness
5:45pm
fun size Halloween candy (whoppers, peanut butter M&Ms, snickers)
6:30pm
hamburger patty*
tostitos
fun size almond joy and 3 musketeers (I seriously need to throw away that Halloween candy now...)
9:45pm
Whopper Jr* with 1/2 order of small onion rings
10:15pm
Moon Pie ice cream with 1/2 banana and crushed pecans
I had coffee with minimal heavy whipping cream until 2pm-ish and then only had water the rest of the day.
I feel pretty okay, all things considered. I definitely feel bloated for the first time all week. The thing I ate today that I wish I could change would be the candy, but for no other reason than I ate it mindlessly. Even the Whopper I ate over a half hour period and took my time and ate consciously.
It was a good day and I took full advantage of my cheats. Tonight I bought a beautiful three and a half pound top sirloin roast and I'm super excited to get back to normal tomorrow.
*took super enzyme with meal
I will be documenting my four cheat days this month though. I'll also post a separate write up of what my other days look like in regard to food. Otherwise, I doubt I'll post much else about it until my month-end stat results.
Cheat Day #1
10am
three eggs* and two pieces of bacon
11am
small bowl of popcorn with palm oil
12:30pm
sinful chocolate glazed donut plus a chocolate glazed munchkin
1:15pm
8oz of grapefruit juice
1:45pm
1/5lb burger* with coconut oil and cinnamon
medium sweet potato with kerrygold
1/2 cup blueberries
3:45pm
5 forkfuls of sauerkraut
bowl of tostitos
4:20-5:20pm
walked 4+ miles in the 19° (windchill 7°) awesomeness
5:45pm
fun size Halloween candy (whoppers, peanut butter M&Ms, snickers)
6:30pm
hamburger patty*
tostitos
fun size almond joy and 3 musketeers (I seriously need to throw away that Halloween candy now...)
9:45pm
Whopper Jr* with 1/2 order of small onion rings
10:15pm
Moon Pie ice cream with 1/2 banana and crushed pecans
I had coffee with minimal heavy whipping cream until 2pm-ish and then only had water the rest of the day.
I feel pretty okay, all things considered. I definitely feel bloated for the first time all week. The thing I ate today that I wish I could change would be the candy, but for no other reason than I ate it mindlessly. Even the Whopper I ate over a half hour period and took my time and ate consciously.
It was a good day and I took full advantage of my cheats. Tonight I bought a beautiful three and a half pound top sirloin roast and I'm super excited to get back to normal tomorrow.
*took super enzyme with meal
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