A derailment between two points.

Let's talk self-sabotage.

I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.

And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.

Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.

Mostly.

It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.

I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.

I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.

On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)

Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.

Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.

The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.


eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.

I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.

I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.