Yes. Yes, I am.

Here's a list of the ridiculous things I do that may or may not work, but are worth the try anyway. There's a lot of them. I don't feel that they're nearly as time-consuming as they sound. Also, to me, most of them aren't nearly as "painful" as others may consider them.


drink cold water upon waking
work out fasted
eat fermented food daily
eat within an hour of waking up
don't drink a lot during meals
cold shower before bed (it doesn't count unless it's shiver-inducing. no really. it's actually kind of the highlight of my day.)
sleep with an ice pack on my neck (I've actually come to prefer this and don't sleep as well if I forget it.)

If anything in this list kick starts some good weight loss, that's awesome. If it doesn't, it was just a blip. It was just a small particle of time and worth the chance.

On a quasi-related note, after going through all of my notes and measurements and records for the last six weeks (and part of last year), I came across a possible weight loss correlation. My weight always dips in the first two weeks of being strict and I'm always taking my super enzymes during that time. There was a significant correlation in January. So I'll start taking them again and see what happens.

Week 1 stats are 1.75 inches and .2 pounds lost.

Impromptu Cheat Day.

I dislike the notebook I've been writing all my weight and performance stuff in. Well...I dislike that it's defective and doesn't close correctly. So I bought a new one today. I've been transferring all the information this morning and decided to have my cheat day today. I'm going to eat squash and corn chips and maybe some coconut ice cream and whatever else sounds good in the house, but I'm not going to go buy anything. I don't really care about cheat day this week and there aren't any big cheats I want. I'm just doing it today to get it out of the way.

I want my weight to go back to normal—whatever that is. I want my hormones to stop messing with me and I want to not be so sensitive to food. I can't control those things though, so I'm taking my cheat day today (because I can control that) and maybe in a couple days when my hormones even out, the effects of the cheats will have worn off too. In the meantime I'll concentrate on the other things I can control—sleep and performance, which I feel really great about this week.

eta:
I won't be documenting my food intake here today. The pictures will still be posted to flickr as usual.

Happy Groundhog Day!!

The last week has been really trying. PMS unexpectedly kicked in early and it was overwhelming and my god, what do you do with these extra hormones that are attacking you and turning you into someone you no longer recognize? I'm still in the midst of it and I'm rolling my eyes at what I just typed. And yet...there it is anyway.

Last night I worked out for the first time in too long. I forfeited working out last month and it does not suit me. I'm happy to reclaim what I forget I love. I'm starting out slow, but intend on steady progress and I can't wait to kill it. It feels good to finally be excited about something when excitement has been lacking recently.

8am
two scrambled eggs. I was going to just have cupcakes for breakfast, but I'm in a good mindset and I refuse to squander it. A good for you breakfast was required.


9am
tasted the cannoli I bought yesterday. I ate less than half of it and ended up spitting out the shell because it was no longer crunchy. The inside, while good, was so sweet to me that it hurt my teeth. The super fast sweetness actually kind of turns my stomach and gives me goosebumps in that unpleasant sort of way. Next up: Cupcakes!

9:45am
Cupcakes.
caramel latte. Andes. double chocolate.

The cake part of the caramel latte was the best. All of the frosting was unbearably sweet. These were regular sized cupcakes and the cake part was just below the cupcake cups. I had a small bite of each one and then ate half of the caramel latte cake part. There was also a chocolate chip cookie purchased and I had a small bite of that. That was actually pretty good. I'm ready for something not so sweet.

10:30am
cranberry and chipotle sausage with steamed broccoli and black beans.

Not 100% real food, but close enough.

11:30am
The girl and I had cookies. She tasted my chocolate chip and I tasted her shortbread.

12:30pm
The boy and I had Food Should Taste Good olive tortilla chips. We snacked on these off and on for a while.

eta on 2.4.11 9:10am:

2pm
5-6 Keebler Deluxe Grahams

I was reminded of these chocolate covered grahams a couple days ago and I figure today would be the only day I would excuse my eating them. It might just have been the nostalgia, but they still tasted really good. I only wanted a few though and the aimless snacking craving I expected never came. I brought the rest of the package (and the other three cupcakes) next door. I had also gotten a Russel Stover's marshmallow egg. I had a bite. It's not my cup of tea anymore.

5:15pm
Lone Star- filet mignon and half of a half rack of ribs. sweet potato with butter. some fries. an unprecedented roll with cinnamon butter. Some apple cobbler for dessert.

The filet was so good and cooked just shy of medium rare. The ribs were too saucy, but still good. I figured I may as well have dessert. It is Groundhog Day afterall!

8:30pm
mini snickers, almond joy, whoppers

I was so full after dinner, but then eventually I wanted to take advantage of my day and I was reminded that I had intended on a Snickers. Instead of a big one, I just had Halloween leftovers.

9:30
5-6 dates

Dates sounded really good the other day as a clean cheat of sorts. It's not something I can have the rest of the week so I had some. It will probably be the sort of cheat I have from now on on cheat days.

I'm really kind of over all the processed sugar. Today was a gluten/wheat exception, but otherwise I doubt I'll have any for a while. From now on I expect cheat days will consist of sushi and maybe rice noodles sometimes. I'm really kind of over the cheat day in excess thing and now that my severe pms is waning, I'm not craving ridiculous things anymore.

I'm going to make February a kickass sort of month. I'm really excited about it. We're just four days in and I've already created a plan and established a routine that I'm committed to. It feels really good to have this back.

January stats.

The results of my January challenge are on.

7.75 inches and 7 pounds lost.

I'm disappointed that I gained inches this last week. I know it's a hormonal effect, but that doesn't change anything for me. I am proud of my accomplishments this month.

Tempting Tuesday.

It's much harder to keep a running log of my food intake on a Tuesday, then a Saturday. So I didn't even try. Suffice it to say that I had a pint of ice cream, a small slice of homemade cheesecake that needs more than a little work, 6-7 slices of deli salami, a tablespoon of Craisins that made my throat hurt, a super small bite of chocolate that wasn't very good, a shared bag of Food Should Taste Good olive tortilla chips, the single best sushi (all gluten-free, eel and bagel roll) I've ever eaten, and then a small amount of the normal everyday things I usually try to eat.

Aside from the sushi, the day was mostly uneventful. In fact, if it wasn't for my earlier lightbulb moments, I would have called today a wash in the food department. It's almost a sad day when sushi is your best cheat. It barely feels like a cheat at all. Back to normal tomorrow.

Oh, and this was the last cheat day of month one. There should technically have been four, but I was already reserving my last weekend cheat day for a Groundhogs Day feast. Gotta celebrate those cute little buggers!

Next Monday I'll post my official inch/pound loss for the month.

A derailment between two points.

Let's talk self-sabotage.

I love laying in bed at night. Running my fingers over my ribs which now protrude in places. I love how when I venture down a little lower, my pelvis is more than a little notable. Sometimes I rub my hands over it harder than would really be necessary, except, as if a dream, I don't have faith that it's really there. I move the loose skin around and the now not-so-thick layer of fat, and I can't believe that this is my body. That I have this killer body hiding under all this...extra. That I'm so much tinier than I ever expected and I literally can.not.wait. to see all of me more clearly. I actually revel in the joy that radiates. Nothing is as great as this feeling.

And then for breakfast, I ate a half pint of ice cream.

Yes, it's my cheat day. Yes, I'm allowed to do whatever I want. Yes, I will be making a cheesecake later (mostly just because I need a homemade cheesecake for next Wednesday and I need a practice run) and I will possibly eat most of it. No, I don't feel guilty.

Mostly.

It's not even truly guilt. I'm not exactly sure what it is, although if you've got a name for it, please share.

I know I'm trying to reverse practically three decades worth of bad behavior. I know it won't come overnight. I know every decision is an opportunity to take a new road toward being that new person. I know that my road zigzags and backtracks. I know that recently I've ventured out further than any time before. I know that as exciting as this road can be, it's also really scary sometimes. It's hard to stray so far away from what feels familiar.

I was vehemently against this cheat day thing. This scheduled cheat day. Now that I've done it for a couple weeks (and had to delay it because of an illness), I have found new pros and cons.

On the one hand, knowing I have designated cheat days means that I have no excuse to cheat during the week. If my willpower isn't enough to last six days, I have more problems than can be fixed by a mere book. (This is not to say that I judge anyone else on their willpower or that I myself haven't had moments of weakness. I've just been doing this a long while now and I have come to expect a certain level of compliance within myself. I expect more from me. You'll have to judge for yourself what you should expect from you.)

Cheat days keep me honest. I did a Whole30 and I know that when I started, it was my intention to stay around 8%-12% carbs each day. Three months later, all I remember from that time is that gradually, I let my carbs slip and I couldn't control it anymore. I have no recollection of "cheating" on Whole30 in any other way, but I was so wrapped up in my carbs that I can't say for sure. I'm 99% sure that I followed all of the rules, but what does it matter now? I don't feel like I was honest and it tainted the rest of the experience.

Following Tim's program leaves me little room for my opinion and I find that I work best this way to start. I find this a lot, in fact. This should not be taken as a disclaimer for his book. There is lots of room for your opinion, if you choose to have one. I choose the short leash because I'd rather follow a strict routine and then implement my own preferences as I see fit. I see now that a designated, mandatory cheat day best suits me, at least for now.

The consequence to said cheat day is that my body is now relying on a new—but I'm not absolutely certain yet, positive—habit. I don't want to be the girl jonesing for my next Cheat Day Fix. For me personally, that would be just as pathetic as cheating mid week. For now I'm willing to live with that consequence. The pro outweighs the con. I want to be perfectly clear though that I recognize its existence. I recognize that while it's not a problem today, it has the potential to be one tomorrow and I recognize that I can't let that happen.


eta:
It would be just like me to start this whole big important post about self-sabotage and then trail off into something else (equally important, and yet a completely different topic). I'm good at derailing.

I don't know why I self-sabotage and I don't think using Tim's cheat day as an excuse justifies it. I need it though. The moment I feel actual progress, I inevitably, albeit unconsciously crawl back in my shell. Tim's program gives me 6 day a week accountability. I can use day seven every week to be afraid of all my progress, but one day (one relatively strict day, mind you) isn't enough to be counterproductive to my goals.

I guess I kinda figured out why I self-sabotage afterall.

Not yet.

I've been so sick. Cheat Day postponed until Monday or Tuesday when my body doesn't need to concentrate so much on healing itself.